I’m not like a scientist or anything. I once scored really high on my High School Science placement test, and so my 8th grade biology teacher pulled me aside. She had a huge problem with my ability to do my homework and so she would not be recommending me for the high school honors program. It did not matter that my testing showed my ability, and I may have stepped up to the plate. It did not matter that a lot happens between the ages of 13 and 14, and being in the correct class may actually be the push I need. No. She made the executive decision to not let me face the class that was rightfully mine to face. She threw a barrier in front of me.
She was not the first person to do that, and no she would not be the last. This little wrench was just not that unusual for my life. I have always caught opposition from the powers that be.
I’ve always been treated like a rebel, and I never actually felt like one. I have Jupiter and Uranus in swapped signs. So apparently it’s not so far fetched to look at me and think, “man we should hold her back”. I do rebel now. I’m a crazy anti-establishment. I play Devils advocate. And in that way, you can ask, which came first, the chicken of the egg? Was I born a rebel? Or Was that created?
Looking back I never saw myself as any sort of unique person. I was everyone and no one, all at once. When I was around seven, I had several panic attacks when I realized I would never get to know what it was like being someone else, or living in someone else’s head. I would have to be me forever! Awful.
I was confined to a life of nothing. To be this nobody in the world, who had no obvious character traits or exciting talents to recommend them. I was told I was really great at drawing. I was told I needed to talk more. I was told I was sweet. That is what I knew to be true.
So in school, when teachers seemed to purposefully hold me back, for whatever reason, and my parents telling me I should speak up for myself unless it pertains to anything they created for me, without explanation. I learned overtime that no one had my best interests at heart.
Maybe they meant to. Maybe adults really felt strongly about their convictions, and rationalized their marginalizing of me. Maybe they just wanted me to know my place. Whatever it was, they stunted my growth as a normal girl.
Hell, just being alive inside my own body depressed me. They didn’t have to go and make it worse, but they did.
This is not a woe is me story, I just spent so many years of my life depressed for seemingly no reason that telling my story, isn’t going to be sunshine and rainbows. But it does get pretty good. Especially when I learned that going with the grain, was going to kill me one day, and that listening to authority would only keep me from my destiny.
And it’s safe to say that I was made, and then I became. And here it is.
