not in the mood

i’m not in the mood.

not in the mood to talk, but not much for silence right now.

i would love to get drunk and kiss you, but i’m not in the mood to deal with what that will lead to, tomorrow.

i would love to give you my number. all of them. my social security number, even. but not really in the mood.
not in the mood to smile, but it’s easier than frowning, so much easier than nothing.

i would love to dance to britney spears in my car with you, you would call me cute, and laugh, and we would laugh. oh what a laugh. but i’m not really gonna do that. not feeling it. not in the mood.

i would love to write beautifully, long poems of good things, good times, good life, but i’m not in the mood.
i’m not in the mood to call you, to text you, to motion you to come over and talk. not really there right now.

i would love to get to know you, dig into your soul and find out what makes you sad, smile, say the things you do. what makes you sing? i don’t know, not in the mood.

i would love to have you there next to me at all times. so i can look in your eyes and breath you in. i would love you next to me, holding my hand. but then again, not really. not in the mood.

not in the mood to love you.
not in the mood to care.
not in the mood to believe in anything.
not in the mood to invite you here.
not in the mood to forgive him.
not in the mood to be mad.
not in the mood to tell you how i feel.
not in the mood to let you see me so sad.
not in the mood to sleep.
not in the mood to sleep without you.
not in the mood to dance.
not in the mood to talk about you.

i would love to speak with you for hours, and share my love, and give you everything i am, and shout from the roof “i love this beautiful man.” but not really. no, i’m not really there.

not so much in the mood.

(originally published Dec. 11, 2008 on Coffee & Cigarettes)