Written May 4, 2016
By Alyssa Sharpe
People think I’m crazy. No, it’s okay, they do.
I’m a famous YouTube astrologer.
Yes. I’m on YouTube. Yes. I study the stars. I also own a pendulum and couple decks of tarot cards. I spent half a year trying to speak to my higher self. I bought like 50 crystals to ward off, what I thought was a spirit. Turns out, it was just my imagination.
My parents are reading this, and they probably stopped to pray. “Dear God. Alyssa is such a seeker. She needs to find you.”
My mom just put the book down to tell me that’s not the kind of prayer she would pray. But of course, she is going to pray. She always prays for me. For all her kids.
I came from church, and some people believe that I left because I found the stars. That’s not true. Some people think I left because I am a rebel and I loved to drink and do drugs and whore myself around. Part of that is true. Other people believe that I left because of how my church handled my rape. That is the most true. But it’s not all true.
I left, because a year before the elders mishandled my sexual abuse, a man spoke at my church and I was moved.
I don’t remember who it was. I don’t remember his face, or his voice. But I remember the words, clear as day. As if they happened moments ago. I think about them always.
“Now I’m going to put this out to you, the congregation. You’ve heard my story. I told you my prayer. I asked God to use me to tell his story, and I meant it, and now I’m here. Do you want God to use you? Now, please don’t just jump into this. The moment you do, your life will change. All those plans you have made? They will fall away, and God will begin to build you back up. It won’t be easy. In fact, you will feel gutted. But if you’re willing, God wants you to ask him. And don’t worry, if you’re not into it, God knows. He will only change your life if you’re open to it.”
And so right there, I prayed to God.
“God, use me. I’m not scared. I’d rather spend the rest of my life in turmoil then think for a second that my life was not important.”
And like that, a burst of energy hit me. I’m sure my body jolted back. Not that anyone saw, or even knew.
It’s funny–I’m a huge talker, and I’ve never said that out loud. I still haven’t. As I sit here writing this, I’m wondering why I never told anyone. I guess it was for me.
But yeah, I knew that what I did had meaning. And shortly after, events were set into motion that destroyed every chance I had at living the life I thought was mine.
And that’s why I left the church. Because God wanted me to. No. I’m not an atheist. I believe that’s disappointing for some, but I’ve seen way too much in life to set all my faith before nothing. We all are spiritual beings, just as much as we are physical. If we say we don’t believe in one God, we always find a way to craft a new God, even if that exists as the anti-god. And so yes, i believe in regular God, not anti-God, not myself God, and you can’t even try to get me to believe in doesn’t-exist-God.
I am me. Not very special. Not really doing much of anything. But I like to think God knew I meant business. And now I’m here. And everyone thinks I’m crazy.
And that’s cool, too.
Because a lot of people think I’m pretty, so your point is invalid.
