we can learn from the mistakes we made in high school, and if we can’t learn, then maybe we should go back to high school and make them there. we are too important to make those stupid mistakes again in real life.
when i was in highschool i went out with this boy. we went to panera, i bought my own food, because i had never gone on a date, and didn’t know what to do. i was so nervous, i didn’t talk to him, i slouched, i sat on my hands, i felt cold, i felt like maybe i wore the wrong outfit, because now that i could see my reflection in the panera window’s, i looked fat. he was a nice guy, and everything he said seemed dripping with similarity to me. he was pretty, he was weird, he was intelligent, he played the drums, which for some reason was hot at the time, and he was a lot like me.
i was a mess. so nervous it was oozing off my face. i don’t think that even if he wanted to believe we were compatible, that he could have. when we parted ways, an awkward hug took the place of a goodbye, and the phone call that he promised never came. obviously. i blew it.
this was 6 years ago, so it’s not like if i knew the rules of a good date that we would still be together today, but thats not the point. the point is that i wanted a second chance. i wanted to prove to him that i didn’t suck. that really we had things to talk about, but that i was distracted by his navy blue eyes, and the fact that he had red hair and still looked really good. he smelled like boy.
i waited for a call. i wanted to talk to him. convince him that i could be good for him. that all i needed was a second chance. i whined to myself, and got sad, and imagined that if he only knew, he would love me. i sulked for maybe a week. replayed everything that i should have done. i was just like, “at least we could be friends, i mean we have so much to talk about.”
then it hit me. i don’t get a second chance.
i might get a second chance on a paper, thats why the teacher asks for rough drafts. i might get to watch a movie again, and say, “hey, i like it better this time.” i might even get to kick my dog in the face, and still enjoy her love on a regular basis. but you don’t get to play with people like that. people are thinking, feeling, processing individuals with power over their ideas. they know what they want, you don’t have to tell them.
you don’t get to argue with someone when it comes to their emotions. you don’t get to convince them that you’re the one. they’ll know when they know. if you wear cruddy jeans on an interview, does the employer call you back and say, “come back in a suit and tie buddy, and we’ll try this again.”? no.
when it comes to first impressions, you don’t get a second chance.
and then for your own well-being, you don’t get to process your emotions with that person, you have to do like i did, and process alone. you don’t get to call that person up and beg to be given another chance, you have to be strong, weakness is not something that anyone should have to take on for you. unless you already are in love. but we’re not talking love, we’re talking first impressions.
after the date at panera, do you think that i would go back to that spot and screw up again? no, i knew the rules, i knew what he wanted from me, the unknown was no longer unknown and i was not nervous. if i got to go back i would have the complete list of things to talk about, to ask about, to be. i would succeed. he would love me!
but no my friends, i will never get a second chance with that boy. and to tell you the truth, i don’t really want one. i see him about once a year, so six times since the date, if you’re counting, and he hugs me, and we chat, and it’s good conversation, and then he asks for my number and never calls me. some things, no matter how coincidental or how many conclusions you can draw up, are not meant to be. and you know, i do think that it was my fault. not because i suck, or that i was too nervous to make a good first impression, but because HE KNEW he didn’t want me. and i can’t argue with another person’s knowledge about me. i’m not allowed to.
second chances, where you think they could be deserved are actually NEVER deserved. second chances are grace. you don’t get to ask for them, you don’t get to ask for something that doesn’t belong to you, and this redhead was not jesus. he didn’t feel the need to pass out the second chance card.
second chances are never deserved.
i’m sure you’re wondering what you might be able to learn from this. if you haven’t learned anything already, then i guess nothing. but maybe you can see that all i am trying to get across to you is how to be content in a life, where you can’t always get what you want, and when it comes to second chances, maybe we should just let go. if they call us back, they call us back, and if maybe we decide to call them, and they tell us no, we should take that no and go.
i’m sure everyone has a story where they were denied a second chance, even when it seemed so right. i’m sure there are those who have denied the second chance, and probably felt guilty. or good. whatever.
i hope you know that i just worry about you. and i want you to know what i know. it’s not, “why guys love bitches” or “he’s just not that into you,” it’s “love yourself.”
because, insecurity is not vulnerability. men and women alike, don’t like annoying, “please give me a second chance” “i hate myself” “i can’t let go” insecure drama kings/queens.
and just so you know that is not a personality trait.
it’s a flaw.
(may 21st 2008 on Coffee & Cigarettes)
