Skip to main content
search
Game TheoryRelationshipsSex

Poker: Bar Game Theory (Part 9)

By July 3, 2026July 7th, 2026No Comments5 min read

ONUGS

KAOS

MNM

ONUPS

ONUSS

The Bar Poker Game Theory:

One must one up opponent, in order to win the prize specimen. If one has a Royal Flush, one can win any specimen–no matter how hot.

Do not do not go for the hot blonde’s friends, as the John Nash Nobel Memorial Prize would suggest–you will suffer the consequences. Instead, know The Game before you even land in the bar.

You have to know how to play poker, you have to know how the player tells, and you have to know the situation you are currently in, in order to win a game of Poker. If you know all of these, you will succeed in handling The Bar Poker Game Theory.

The ONUGS

The Opposite of Not Understanding the Game Syndrome

If one can understand the game at hand, i.e. Bar Poker, one can level their IQ to a specific number. That number is: 10. 

The Rules:

  1. This ain’t Texas there are rules
  2. This ain’t no Hold ’em don’t be nervous
  3. Lay your all cards down show up as you, all at once
  4. Park your Lexus stay fly
  5. Throw your keys up be willing to swing, you don’t have to stay with the one you chose
  6. Stick around for it to play out don’t cash out early
  7. Bring it to the floor let other’s see you being cool
  8. Step to the right don’t dive in head first: knight & then king (black game theory)
  9. Run to the left go in usual body language order
  10. Spin them in the middle make sure everyone knows you have the thing you wanted

–Beyonce & D. Snell

The KAOS

The Talent to Kill Anger & Obey Superior

If you have the ability to look the authority dead in the eye, say yes sir, or yes ma’am, but do whatever you want anyway, you will never die. 

You also have earned the title of KAOS Angel.

If you are KAOS Angel, you make people jizz. You are hilarious, and you are very good at bluffing. People watch you, but don’t know what move you’re going to pull next. Therefore, you are a hot commodity.

The MNM

Truth or Dare: The Manipulative, Not Manipulated

If your EQ (Emotional Quotient) is excessively high, you will have the ability of Total Manipulation. This means, you can take anyone, at anytime, and make them yours. Reminder: If you cannot make them yours, every time, you do not have this. 

Truth

The MNMT: Manipulating through Truth telling

You can manipulate anyone at the bar by telling them the truth. Which means, if you truly believe that someone is pretty, and you tell them that they are pretty, they will believe you. If you have this gift, you must remember to use hard, fast & wisely–but remember you are bad at bluffing, so refuse to do it, and just play the game at hand better than the others, at the bar.

Dare

The MNML: Manipulating through Lie telling

You can manipulate anyone at the bar by telling them a lie. Which means, if you truly believe that someone is pretty, and you tell them that they are pretty, they will NOT believe you. If you break up with someone, they will assume that you are lying, so you must make sure to have the proper game plan in mind, to combat this.  This gift is actually the hardest to master, but the greatest to have–it means you can lie to people, to get what you want. You are an excellent bluffer.

The ONUPS

The Opposite of Not Understanding the Player Syndrome

If you want to King, you have to be able to move forward in tiny steps. You cannot just run over your opponent like a Queen would (see previous MNM). 

There are a few things you need to check off, on your road to Anton Chekhov.

1. Seagull: How hot or desired are they in Relationships?
2. Cherry Orchard: Are they Aristocratic, or Middle Classic?
3. Uncle Vanya: Do they waste their potential?
4. Three Sisters: Are they trapped? Are they dreamers? Do they hate monotony?
5. The Bear: Are they Histrionic?
6. Ivanov: Do they have Bi-Polar, Manic-Depression, or any other debilitating disorder? Are you sure?
7. Platonov: Are they Polyamorous? (If they are–you won’t be able to take one of their lovers).
8. A Marriage Proposal: Are they Argumentative? Do they have a point?
9. A Tragedian in Spite of Himself: Are they dramatic, but stupid?
10. Swansong: Do they have the Crimson Tide? (The desire for fame at any cost, never to listen to you, when you tell them to get lost.)

 

If you cannot answer these questions correctly, you do not have the ONUPS. You have the NUPS–meaning you purposefully don’t understand the player you are against, because you want to get married (NUPS-nuptials) to the person you are competing for, no matter what.

The ONUSS

The Opposite of Not Understanding the Situation Syndrome

These are the things that a NUSS (Not Understanding the Situation) does. Don’t do them.

  • Not giving up. I am malignant.
  • In time I will see what I did there. But not right now when it matters.
  • No one knows me! I’m gonna talk about that–specifically.
  • A hot guy, or hot girl, is a raincheck. I am not.
  • Reality sets in. I stop for a minute. I was wrong. I go back to doing the same thing.
  • Annoy the girl or guy with my reflexes–by not getting, or giving, subtle or correct body language.
  • Go to town on the dipshit, what if the dipshit is me?
  • Don’t stop now. I already stepped in it.
  • Oh, I didn’t know you we’re there! My Spatial Awareness is lacking, but I pretend it’s you.
  • Lastly, I’m concerned that it was you who did the thing I did…
  • “Lovely, I’m just a sweetheart, why can’t you get that from all I was tonight?”
Close Menu